Redeem this text for a blowjob
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize