I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
