I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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