My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
