I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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