She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
