I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
