I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
