She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
