Sober January is a disaster.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
