I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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