no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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