My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
