Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
