The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
