The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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