I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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