i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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