I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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