life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize