So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
