A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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