So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
