For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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