Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
