I accidentally had phone sex last night
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
