I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
