I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
