I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
