One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
