I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
