I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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