i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize