I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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