Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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