The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize