Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
True strength comes from lack of pants
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
