i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
