My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
