It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
