I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
