Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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