I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
