Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
