I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
