bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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