Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
