we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We were destined to go to rehab together
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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