drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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