My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
