she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
