ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
