HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
