he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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