the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
