i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
