i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
