You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize